i want this to be behind us. this is the last time i’m ever addressing it.
first, i’m sorry i lied. but you should know that it only started this past friday. never before that. second, i’m sorry of how i treat you all the time. i don’t learn from my mistakes. i try so hard to be perfect and please everyone, and sometimes i hurt the people i care about the most. i just crack. i’m gone. you said you would never do this to me, and i know you wouldn’t. i hope you don’t, just so you can save yourself from this absolutely disgusting feeling. i’m a mess of a person. always have been; always will be. but i’m so ashamed of this. like you said, sometimes you can’t help it. well i’m trying; i really am. i’m not going to do anything about it. i promise you. i honestly have barely slept since friday, because i’m being eaten alive by guilt. it is killing me. i don’t want to hurt you anymore than i already have. i don’t want this to tear us apart. you are the only person i trust, and if i lost you…i can’t even think about that.
i don’t know if you’ve told anyone about this. i’m assuming you told two people who you tell everything to. that’s fine with me. but like i said, i’m ashamed. i’d really rather it not get around. that’s all.
thank you for being everything i can never seem to be.
“And I find it kind of funny…I find it kind of sad: the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. I find it hard to tell you, cuz I find it hard to take. When people run in circles, it’s a very, very, mad world.”—Mad World; Tears For Fears.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
i’m not athletic, but i’ve been a dancer for 12 years. when i say music is my life, i don’t mean i just like to listen to it. i mean it’s what i do, as well. sometimes i would rather sit home and listen to broadway songs instead of be around people. i’m not good at being a good friend. i complain that no one cares about me, but then push away the ones that do care. i don’t want to be older or younger…i like where i am right now. my favorite smell is the smell after it rains, and i love christmas lights when they’re indoors. my family means more to me than i admit. i don’t do drugs or drink. i’m a cat person. and i’m getting tired of talking about myself so much. it’s bothering me.
“Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did was wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…and an athlete…and a basket case…and a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
the Breakfast Club.”—The Breakfast Club
i like how my friends make me feel like i’m a terrible person. it really makes my day, honestly. i also like how they don’t invite me places, and make me feel like i have no life. that’s the best. or when they obviously don’t care about me? favorite thing. <3
i’m just going to be honest here. i only have 3 people i consider my real bestfriends. taylor krupiak, even when we fight for days. danielle overbeck, even when we both make mistakes. and caitlyn huebner, even when we both hate each other for basically weeks on end. these are the only people i trust; the only people i enjoy hanging out with. i’m not saying i hate everyone else, i just don’t consider anyone else my close friends…at all.
tonight, i get to hang out with cait’s little sister. while my other 2 bestfriends go to some amazing dance. cooool. like i honestly hope they have a good time, and they will. they know how to party, haha.
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
you never tell me anything anymore. everytime i try to talk to you, we end up fighting. you tell me to go get a boyfriend and get over myself, which isn’t what i want to hear. i feel like i don’t mean as much to you anymore. but i guess it’s okay. i honestly hate to see you throwing your life away for a guy, but i have nothing against either of you. it’s your choice. i miss you. you always used to tell me what to do, and you were there when no one else was.
but not anymore. i hate how things have changed. but i love you to death. forever.
“I love how music does that to you. It has the power to make the artist completely alive before he/she ever sits down to create it. Like fire and ice, it’s where vision and inspiration collide, and that’s where the real beauty originates.”—Adam Young.
my saturday has consisted of sleeping, reading gossip girl novels, eating food, going to dance, watching jersey shore+world of jenks reruns, eating more food, going shopping, painting my nails+then taking the polish off, and eating even more food.
it’s been a pretty good day. happy half birthday to me.(:
I can hear their voices carry up the stairs. They’re together. Laughing; crying; whatever. Always. It scares me. Sometimes when you are with someone too much, you lose yourself. I miss the way it used to be.
The wind sounds like thunder as it rushes down the street, twisting through the trees and bringing back memories of simpler days.
When we would walk home together and throw our bags on the couch. We’d run next door and play with the neighbors until they ate dinner. Then we’d retreat back inside to do homework, and wait to be fed. We were in bed by eight.
We fought a lot. But not as badly as we do now.
Now, our fights tear everything apart. We scream, and cry, and complain, and say we hate each other. We threaten each other, sometimes in more violent ways than we should. We say that we won’t ever talk to each other again. I’m terrified that one day we’ll mean it.
Because at the end of the day, I would die without you. You’re always there for me…you have to be. You have become one of my best friends, and I love you.
But it doesn’t change a thing.
It makes me so happy to know that you’re happy. And tomorrow when we wake up, she’ll still be the most important thing to you.
Their laughter never fades; never stops drowning out the wind.
Forgive me if I seem forward, but I’ve never been in front of anything like you. It’s the last place I ever thought I’d be when I woke up this morning. Is it true that you are always this breathtaking? And you’re smart, and you’re willing. And, my god, this is killing me. Tell me all the things you never said. We can lie here and talk for hours in my bed. I don’t have anything to hide. I don’t have anything;everything is not for certain. You started to see right through me, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s like I’m born again every time I breath in. So, if you’re curious my favorite color’s blue. And I like to sing in the shower. If you like, I’ll sing to you. Tell me all of your hopes, all of your dreams. I want you to take me there. Tell me everything. Every breath, I want you to know I’ll be there. There’s just one more thing…one request. I want you to take me with you. Take me with you, I will never let you down. I will love you now and forever.
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
this is my music teacher. she’s pretty much my role model. she’s made a huge impact on my life by helping me do what i love, and never telling me that i’m not good enough. she always supports me in things involved with music, and encourages me to pursue what i want.
note: no idea why there’s an alice in wonderland reference in this picture…
anyways. this may not make sense, but the first time i saw this quote was sometime last summer. and it made me realize how much music means to me. it’s my whole world. i have no idea where i’d be without it. so i guess it’s weird to say that a quote had an impact on me, but it really opened my eyes.