i. can’t. do. this. anymore.
i’m a dancer. i’ve been dancing for 12 years. this past september, i auditioned to get into the senior company at my dance studio. i was so excited. i thought i was going to get in with no problem. i was focused, i stretched for hours before the audition, and made sure i was super warmed up. i was so confident.
i didn’t make it.
i made an apprentice role. so, i have one part and understudy another. no big deal, i’m still in the show, right?
this is a constant reminder that i’m not good enough. i’ve committed my whole life to dance. and i still wasn’t good enough. i try. i really do. yet every week the same thing happens.
ballet at 6:30: i focus and really try to learn the steps. tap at 7:45: i love tap, so i just have fun with it. modern at 8:30: i’m so bad at it, but i like it.
the mental breakdown usually comes around 8:45. this is pretty much how it goes:
i can’t do this. i’m not a good enough dancer to make company, so why bother? i can’t quit. i’m stuck in a place where i have classes with middle schoolers that act like 4 year olds and older girls that i’m not good enough to dance with. my only friends are older, but they’re always together in their little group that i feel so unwelcome in…
and that is what’s been happening almost every tuesday and thursday since september-octoberish. i left early tonight. i just can’t take it anymore. because at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with dance. it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s hard for me to fit in there. it all comes down to this one wish.
i wish someone would prove to me that i’m good enough. for anything.